I'll do anything for love . . . but I won't do that.

I had a BIG fight with my girlfriend this past weekend. However, everything was OK once she realized she was wrong.

I’m joking. I’m also going to pay for that.

I won’t bore you with the he-said, she-said. Suffice to say that I was being a selfish prick, I was FEELING like a selfish prick, but I had no way of avoiding it because it’s part of who I am to feel that way, defend it, and also hate myself for doing it.

Confused? So was I.

A couple of weeks ago, I spent an entire weekend at a soccer tournament watching her daughter play. She’s eleven years old and her team did really well. They took second place in their, idunno, division I guess. The team that beat them didn’t beat them by much, and was constantly rotating five girls in at a time while her team had one substitute. ONE. These girls had played in the cold all day for two days. The fact that they gave this other team such a run for their money says a lot for the heart and determination they showed on the field. They deserve the utmost respect. Also, they have parents who are willing to drive an hour and a half away, stay at a hotel, get up early in the morning and sit in the wind and weather all day to support them. My hat’s off to them, too.

I just really wish I’d been somewhere else. Yeah, I know. "Selfish prick."

Well, sure. I mean, I want to be there for her daughter. I want to be supporting. But, no matter how much I knew I was doing the right thing, I was getting angry. I was getting depressed.

When Erica said that we were going to watch another game on Saturday, my mouth started moving of it’s own accord. I like to call it the teakettle effect. Something builds up, and no matter how hard you try to keep a lid on it, you spout off.

Well, I was whistling long and loud before I could stop myself. I was saying things like, "I would rather not. I mean, of all the things I could be doing on Saturday, I would really, really, Really not want to do that. As a matter of fact, I would rather do just about anything than do that. I don’t want to. I don’t want to. I don’t want to."

She was not pleased. Girl FRIEND turned into girl FIEND.

Well, I did go down to Maryland and we did end up going to a game. This made me feel even worse, because now she KNEW I was unhappy and felt she had to keep apologizing which made ME feel worse and I felt like I had to keep telling her that it was OK and the whole thing turned into a downward spiral of misery.
It took me a fair bit of introspection before I was finally able to reason out why I wanted to be anywhere else. So, what’s the big deal, Aaron? Why is watching your girlfriend’s daughter play a soccer game so hard? Why is it like nails on a chalkboard? What’s wrong with YOU?!?!?!

Reason: I hate sports. Now, don’t go ape shit. Calm down.

At this point people want to start diagnosing me. "That’s because you never played sports."
Not true. I was in little league baseball and I took first place in shot put during our elementary-school olympics. And, yeah, that’s the last time I played organized sports. I did play paintball, though.
Don’t take it personally. I may hate sports, but I’m not ANTI-sports. There are good things I can say about sports: It teaches kids that you that you win some, you lose some, disappointment is part of life, and it’s a far cry better than sitting and playing with your phone all day. It’s good exercise. You make new friends. You learn respect for yourself and others. So, why does Aaron hate sports? It’s not just because I was the fat kid.

#1 I’m not competitive. Being competitive has never been in me, never been a part of me. This is one of the reasons why I love music: everybody wins. It’s why I love role playing: everybody works together. I even hate it when somebody asks me what my "favorite" anything is. That sounds fanatical to me to choose one song, one band, one movie, one color, or one food over all of the others. A good movie is a good movie. I really don’t see the difference.
I’m of the opinion that competition isn’t good for anybody. If some guy gets a job that I’m up for because he was better, good for him. I’ll get better, or I’ll take my lumps. Why does one have to be "the best?" In real life, who’s keeping score?
I’d rather play well and lose than play lousy and win.
Example: The best billiards game of my life was when I beat the company commander at my A school in the Navy. I really embarrassed him. He didn’t KNOW I was playing the best game of my life. I felt SO sorry for him. I wished the game had been closer; I wished I hadn’t beat him as badly or that I’d simply done well and lost. Was I "better" than he was? No, he was actually a better pool player than me. He didn’t respect me any more after that because he thought I’d suckered him. So, what did I win?

I’m better, today, means as much to me as you’re better, tomorrow, which is not at all. I don’t care that you can throw a ball better than I can. I don’t care that you’re a better shot. I’m still a good shot. You can’t take that away from me so I why do I need to prove it?

Back to the soccer game: So, here I am, sitting at the edge of a field and not caring who wins. I’d shout encouraging things if I knew what I was shouting for. My hearts not in it. My opinion of her is not affected by whether she wins or loses. I don’t care how well she plays soccer. She happens to be very good at it, so she doesn’t need me to pump her up at the end of the game.

That’s another problem actually.
It’s one thing to say, "I don’t care if you win or lose," if she sucked at it. Can you imagine how that sounds when she’s the best goalie on the field!
"Hey! We won!"
"Yeah, but it doesn’t matter."
In truth, I really don’t see the difference. It doesn’t matter. I don’t care if she wins or loses. Why is that a bad thing? I want the best for her, but that has nothing to do with a damned soccer game! I happen to know that there are parents out there who love their children because they’re winners. I could name a few. So, as long as you can love your children when they lose, how dare you place any value on winning at all? Do you just ignore the losses as if they don’t matter while cheering the wins? Absence of cheers has to be noticed. You don’t think the kids notice that? Well, It doesn’t matter to me and I’m NOT apologizing for it.

On a side note, the parents are the most one-sided group of people I’ve ever met, chuckling when our side fouled and got away with it and gritting their teeth when the other side did the same thing. I really don’t see the difference.

My non-competitive natures gets me in trouble. At one point, the other team scored an awesome goal. They did it perfectly and nobody would have been able to stop them. So, I applauded. I was impressed. I soon realized I was the only one from our group of parents. But, come on! A good shot is a good shot! I really don’t see the difference.

#2 I hate watching someone do something. To me, it’s the same watching someone else play a game as it is watching someone else wash the dishes. Actually, I think watching someone wash dishes is more zen. Nobody loses. If you want to play a game, go ahead if it makes you feel good. But, what am I supposed to do while you’re playing? I got nothing. This goes for professional sports as well. I mean, I already don’t care who wins or loses; Why should I care about a bunch of guys I don’t even know?

On a side note: what makes a sports team "yours?"
Anecdote: I once heard a guy (who must have weighed 300 pounds) say, "If the Flyers had won, I would have had three teams in the playoffs, this year." Apparently, his football, baseball, and hockey teams did very well, but one of them had fallen short. Um, you would have had three teams in the playoffs? You can’t even eat lunch and keep your shirt tail tucked in because of your belly getting out of control. And yet, somehow, you’re responsible for professional athletes doing well? I don’t get it. Plus, all three didn’t make it, so, shouldn’t you be taking the blame?

Anywho, back to watching things. Let’s draw a distinction between entertainment events and sports. A movie, was made for no other reason than to entertain me. If I’m watching a band, it’s on stage to entertain.

The athlete on the field isn’t worrying about whether or not he’s doing a good show, he’s focused on the ball and trying real hard to tune everything else out. He’ll do that whether I watch or not.

The movie, the band, the play or the stand-up comedian only exists because I’m watching. They are performing for the audience, first and foremost. Ironically, some of the best movies ever made were sports movies because they are made with the viewer in mind. You are allowed to relate to the protagonist of a drama by being "in the know" as to what his thoughts and feelings are; we find a common truth as part of the human condition.

With athletes, they may love their fans, they may sign autographs for hours after the game, but the fans are secondary to the game, period. With sports, who am I supposed to identify with? So far, it’s the beer salesman.

So, through introspection, I figured out that I have to have something to do. Erica and I talked about it, and we’re going to find some way in which I can be supportive in a more active, rather than passive, way. I have to be engaged. I WANT to be supportive. Give me a function. I’ll make a video. I’ll take pictures. I’ll use a clip board and mark off errors or whatever. Otherwise, my mind starts to wander and I get really, really, really bored. I’ve fallen asleep at games. I’ve gone to my car to read a book. I’ve stared off into space and been hit by the ball. So, if I’m not really there, then maybe I need to be somewhere else.

And, yeah, I know that there are times I’m going to have to "suck it up" for the good of my relationship with the kids, too.

But, I’ll be grumpy about it.